the new “honey do” list

Over the weekend, my “honey do” list included dropping off dry cleaning, figuring out once and for all which shrubs to replace after the big snow, and attending our family Easter celebration.  Fine, easy enough.  Brian completed these flawlessly.  Actually, they were all his “to do” list items but I just like pretending that I boss him around.  Anyway.

In the new book Committed, author Elizabeth Gilbert cites a recent study of women in which “inspire me” topped the list of desired characteristics in a husband.  Before cracking this book, I clearly wasn’t aiming high enough with ”wash my car”.   But, this little tidbit stuck.  I’d never heard it articulated in that way. 

After some reflection, I figured that one’s ability to inspire others is an admirable characteristic across many roles– parent, coach, boss, teacher, Bob from Biggest Loser, etc.  What struck me is the responsibilities bleeding across the various relationships in our lives.  If you follow the logic, Brian should be a one-stop-shop for emotional and motivational needs.  And, in turn, me for him. 

This isn’t to say that this “inspire” role is an exclusive deal.  Either way, though, it seems hard.

In just 10 easy steps

When advising clients in strategic planning, I start by congratulating myself on having such a cool job that people pay me to be a part of this very important milestone in the life of a business.  I then start packing several days worth of non-perishable snacks, noise-canceling headphones, a dictionary, and a box of tissues.  Invariably, strategic planning is a long, painful process.  Sorry, it just is.  Anyone who says otherwise and offers “no fail”, simple X step process has never done strategic planning for something more complex than a lemonade stand. 

Further, there is no guarantee that at the end of this tortuous event that you’re going to have anything valuable.  The biggest risk to a lasting, bold strategic plan is the process itself.  Often it’s so difficult to reach agreement, that you end up with a pile of mashed potatoes.  Comforting, yes.  But it’s really just a blob of flavorless fluff.

So, with this in mind, where on earth might we start to create a strategic plan for our marriage?  Google, obviously.  Not Google Earth.  Just regular Google.  Anyway, “how to create a strategic plan” yeilds nearly 25 million links.  A couple down from the top, we have a 10-step, 1 day strategic planning process.  Jackpot!  Forget what I said before.  Erica Olsen’s approach  sounds promising and she looks like a lovely person (though her picture is a bit pixelated).  I’m diggin’ this.  Why drag it out when you can outline your entire future in one day?  I mean, hello, I could be using that time to run on the treadmill. 

We’ll give her approach a shot and try to fill out these 10-steps.  Not to sound too competitive or anything but I’m wondering if Ms. Olsen has timed this process.  Does it really take a whole day?  I’m thinking we can knock this out on no more than 45 minutes or roughly the amount of time Brian will focus before feeling compelled to flee the room and turn on Sports Center.

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Day 1095 and beyond

3 years sounds like a lot more when converted to days– more than 1000 wake-ups and good night kisses, elaborate meals and leftovers, dog walks, and quick check-in calls.  I wonder how many cell minutes we’ve expended on, “Hey, how’s your day going? Good.  When will you be home? Love you. Bye.”?  Of course, there have been a couple of BIG days sprinkled in– buying our house, sleeping in our new bedroom after the reno, picking up our dogs (two separate 12 hour round trips), vacations, birthdays, holidays, etc.

So, there is something I’ve always liked about the number 3.  The perfect unevenness.  Maybe this is the exact right duration to view this next phase.  What can we accomplish in the next three years?  Hopefully have a baby.  Sell this house and buy/reno another.  Change careers to something either less demanding or more fulfilling.  Those pesky details of “who, what, and where” will be worked out.  Our intention is to use the business tools we’re so familiar with to provide a framework for that discovery process.  Next stop?  Strategic plan.

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luxury love

 Love in marriage is a luxury. 

For eons, marriage was a partnership in survival.   If the girl happened to love the guy (or at least not want to throw up when he kissed you), you were lucky.  In more recent times in the US– lets say the last 40 years or so– the idea of love as supreme dominates our whole approach to finding husband.  However, there are many places around the world where marriage is still very much about getting shit done as opposed to finding a soul mate.

A couple of years ago, my parents, sister Molly, BCC and I went to Africa.  The landscape, the people, the animals, the culture…all unforgettable.  One afternoon we visited a Maasai village that welcomed tourists.  We met the chief’s son who immediately noticed my sister.  (It’s hard not to.  She’s ridiculously gorgeous but that’s not the point of this particular story.)  Anyway, after he showed us around, talked about their life– food, housing, political structure, family, herding, etc., he politely and jokingly began negotiating with my dad for Molly’s hand in marriage.  After a little back and forth about who would be responsible for killing spiders in the hut, Molly said something about “needing to be in love before getting married”.  He grinned and said, “yeah, you Americans and your love thing.  We don’t do that here.”  Of course, that’s just one Maasai man’s opinion.  But his point reminded me that there are many places around the world that value other qualities in a partnership above romantic love. 

Back home in Virginia, I’m thinking this morning about love.  It is Valentine’s Day, after all. 

So, while love is an amazing gift, it alone cannot sustain a marriage.  Don’t you think this unattainable ideal causes so much unnecessary angst and frustration?  We should celebrate love but not burden it with things like mowing the grass and getting dinner ready.  Instead, love is the motivator from which you joyfully and enthusiastically manage a life.

Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie!  I love you!

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